ASK the DUDEK

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Feelin fat and funky with Jimmy D

ASK the DUDEK

This is YOUR chance to get the truth on everything you've ever wanted to know.Whether it's concerning the type of lingerie to arouse your gay lover, or what size shoe oprah wears...this man knows....

James loves to answer your questions, please send them to: Doofus88@farts.com

Dear Dudek,

This guy at school fucked my mom and then donkey punched my dog and i was wondering if anything similar had happened to you or if maybe you knew how to discourage this guy from doing something like that again.

Sincerely

Saucy in Singapore

Dear Saucy,

I know what you mean about the donkey punching, it can be a terrible yet exciting experiance for someone your age, but i think i have just the thing for you. You're going to need a rat, a metal bucket, and a blow torch. The next time this guy comes to your house, knock him out and tie him to a table or something. Then place the rat on his chest, and cover it with the bucket. Then apply the torch to the bucket causing the rat to eventually have to burrow through the victim's skin to escape. I gaurantee he won't be donkeypunching anyone after that shit. Now the last part is kind of optional you dont' HAVE to sodomize the victim afterwards but i personally prefer to. There you go i hope i answered your question sufficiently.

xoxoxoxo Fist of the North Star

Dear Mr. James,

I've been searching for a woman lately, except the thing is...I am a man pretending to be a woman pretending to me a man. I've tried putting my name in the paper etc. but nothing works. I know you know all the hot spots I might be able to go to.

Thanks!

-Fishin 4 Luv

Dear Fishin 4 Luv,

I know exactly how you feel...in the early 80's in the age of electronic music and protected sex I was trying to find myself. I was involved in heavy binge drinking with my homosexual friends and I also had become addicted to cat tranqulizers. I asked my mother one day where I might be able to find a man pretending to be a woman pretending to me a man. I was really into sodomy and I was hoping for a long-term relationship. I know that you're looking for a woman...but I have a bunch of guy friends you might like...just contact my good bud X to the Warren....303-2668

Dear Mr. Dudek,

Lately me my dog and my dad have been enjoying a fair amount of anal and oral. We've been experimenting with all kinds of new and exciting lubricants and i thought that a man of your stature and talent would be able to suggest some new and exciting ways to slip and slide into each other's hearts.

Forever yours

Stinky in seattle

Dear Stinky in seattle,

It sounds like you have a very warm relationship with your father and your dog. You'll have to excuse me if i don't offer the best of advice i've speant all morning gargling acid and masturbating to taxi while translating "the plush poopy from space" into latvian. What really gets me going when i'm in the mood for some nasty violent ass love, is rubber cement, the possibility of my lover's apparatus getting lodged in my poo spot makes me red all over, another zinger is placenta, or even ape semen, i could go on and on, but i couldn't give all my special secrets away, DASVEDANJIA

Gay,

Diggity Dudek

Dearest Dudek,

I was sitting around in my mink skin love seat and i spilled a bunch of been on my stomach and i was too drunk to do anything about it and it dripped down my stomach and got all over my nuts. Anyway...Let's get down to brass tax here, i was actually writing to ask you the meaning of life...or at least your take on it.....thanks

Wondering in Wyoming

Dear Wondering,

The answer is really quite simple.....The meaning of life is buckcherry and leather and really fat girls.